Friday, November 10, 2006

A Good Man Ain't Too Hard To Find

With all of the talk about disintegrating Black families I figured that I'd drop my two cents in.

Ok, it is apparent that Black men are missing in action, hell, Stevie Wonder can see that. There are some statistics that say 1 in every 4 is in jail and there are others that say something like 1 in every 4 is on the 'dl' or just out right gay. I don't know if I believe those statistics or not. For the sake of this article - I don't.

Statistics aside, let's cut to the chase, these statistics are bought up whenever the subject of single Black women is raised. Black women say they can't find a good brother because way too many of us are either in jail, on the dl, out of work, or with a white woman.

Hmmmmm...there are 24 million African Americans in this country, for arguments sake let's just say there are something like 12 million Black men. Okay, there are somewhere near 2 million people incarcerated in some kind of penal institution; last I heard there were something like 400-600 thousand brothers doing time. Big number but not a nail in the coffin.

So that leaves something over 11 million Black men. Ok, now for the gay thing...If we believe the whole 1 in every 4 thing that means go walk to the corner, pick out 4 brothers and tell them your conducting a test. Tell them to be honest, ask them the following questions: Are you a homosexual? Are you now or have you ever been a homosexual? Have you ever engaged in sexual activity with another man?

Without a doubt there are a whole lot of dudes out there sneaking around with other dudes. I don't know the number but let's just say there are somewhere near a million brothers who are engaging in either bi-sexual or homosexual relations.

That leaves 10 million men may be more, may be less.

Now, brothers with white women...I can't front about that one, a whole lot of my boys are with white girls. I think just about every dude I came up with is married to either a white woman or someone who isn't Black.

I don't know how it happened.

All I can tell you is that my wife is Black. I wanted someone who shared the same culture that I do. Alot of these cats notice the difference on holidays when there is something not exactly right about their cornbread. They ask for sweet potato pie and get - well, it's close. Collard greens? Oh no, them niggas ain't gettin' the collards cooked in fatback or like my wife does with smoked turkey. And Charles Brown and King Pleasure are not playing in the background when they go visit in-laws.

So no number will be given let's just say it's alot.

All of this to say there are about 8 to 9 million available black men - and if you tally in the statistics of Black women in jail (which is high and getting higher, but not as high as brothers) and bi-sexual/lesbian women (my money says the numbers would be about the same) the numbers of available black women and available black men are somewhere near each other. Now what tips the scale is inter-racial dating/marriage.

But still. My bone of contention with the 'I can't find a good Black man' crowd is with all of the available brothers left, you all have your asses on your shoulders. Alot of women have their eyes glued to Essence magazine and have soap opera like fantasies of what romance and relationships should be like. If their honest, a whole lot of sisters are buying into the 'Essence Magazine/Shemar Moore ideal image of Black men, that when a good man does come along they turn him away because 'he isn't what I'm looking for.'

And when you ask them what they are looking for they say things that are so off the wall, you have to wonder what planet their from. "I want somebody that makes a hundred grand a year, and drives this kind of car, and vacations here, and can cook, and will massage my back and is buffed and blah, blah, blah..." And let's just say they do come across a brother like that, well, unless your ass is off the hook and you too are balling out of control like he is - you ain't nuttin' but another ass to tap.

The funny thing is is that there is often another brother who occasionally calls and asks her out, he's a nice guy but she don't want him cause he doesn't fit that soap opera conceived image in her head. She shits on him and puts him off and puts him off, meanwhile in the loneliness of her house she's griping about how she can't find anybody...

Wow. Like Flavor Flav would say: 'Woooooooow!'

Alot of women under 40 will not give a brother in the post office a shot. Nor a bus driver. Or a sanitiation worker. Or anyone else who isn't 'on their level'. And it's a shame because these dudes may know how to make them happy - in and out of bed. But nope they want that twisted fantasy in their minds. Shame. Damn shame.

See what happens is once they get to 40 they start looking around and getting desperate - and its then that they want a regular dude because they don't want to be lonely. They see that they ain't got it goin' on like they did when they were 25.


All that time they spent chasing losers and now they want a good man. I feel you. I guess you wake up and learn when you do right?


Anonymous said...


I read your message below and have a question for you. Your friends
who married outside of their race, how successful are they? Are
they bus drivers, post men??

Would men settle for something they don't want or do they try to
reach out to the women that fit their expectations closely?

I'm a 40 year old colored female... Beautiful, sexy, intelligent,
hard work, successful. If a man fall short of what I want... I will
pass. I tried in two marriages to take a short fall and look over
my expectations that just weren't there. And guess what... It
didn't work. Just as men seek fulfillment in looks, personalities,
compatibility, so should women. I have now started to date outside
my race and love it. There may be a shortage of black men but there
are a lot of men of other races that are waiting with bated breath
to sweep us off our feet. They treasure our beauty, our uniqueness
and our power to go exceedingly beyond expectations in all walks of

Anonymous said...

Mark, I agree with you COMPLETELY!!! Women fail to realize that what we put
out there comes to bite us in the (excuse my "American" a.k.a French) ass
later... Then we go to Oprah and other media outlets to down our men like
nobody's business... You are completely right. If more women would stop
trying to live the "American Dream" and realize that happiness really
doesn't always reside in what a man have, we would not be as screwed up as
we are now... People fail to realize that not only do these statistics that
come out are very biased and does not truly represent the whole population,
they (the statistics) also should not be taken so seriously... Anyway, I
agree. The bridging between the two sexes on this earth starts with
women's acceptance of hard working, "blue collar" men and men's realization
that it's okay if you don't make 6 figures. As long as you (men) take care
of your family's basic needs you are doing your "god-given" duty... Thanks.

-Williette Cox

Anonymous said...

So tru so tru

Anonymous said...

Dear Mark,

On your subject of "A Good Man Ain't Hard To Find", firstly let's start with the birth ratio on this country is 6 females to 1 male. You forgot about the wars: drugs, gang-bangin' military, and the youth violence.

I must admit I do agree with you with the attitudes of some women, but you forgot about the strong black women that men are afraid of. The Sistas that don't take no S--t when brothas wanna bring it.

Sometimes the definition of a good man may vary, to you a good man might be as long as a brotha shows up every night at home before visiting other women/men friends and Sistas ain't tryin' to hear that S--t.

Our mothers and grandmothers lived with the fact that their men slept around because they were the bread winners in the house (most women in those times stayed home). With that information can we get your numbers a little more accurate?

I'm divorced and had 5 children, I grew into a strong woman, educated, intelligent and I intimidate most men. That is also a classification.

Question: How many men are really serious about settling down and be serious about relationships?

Answer: I would say not too many...

Anonymous said...

I also forgot to mention the men who have been hurt from another relationship and just want to hang out without a committment
there is no easy cut and dry answer to these relationships.

The All Mighty Mark Skillz said...

hi anonymous at 12:25...My boys that married outside of the race are from all walks of life: one guys in retail, one guys has been a sales rep for 10 years, some are in the music biz ... they're everyday guys that married average women (who are of another race).

The only problem i have with inter-racial dating is when people go out of their way and won't even consider a person of their race. Which suggests a certain kind of sickness - not saying that that is your case, but I know people who say warped things like, "I won't even look at a black woman..."

One of my aunts, whom i love dearly, told my sister to give up on black men and find a white man! Because black men are not serious or too much trouble. I thank God my sister married a black man!